*trigger warning: disordered thoughts towards food and body image*
"Dear" eating disorder,
you went on vacation with me, eventhough no one invited you. You made me worry about what to order for breakfast, because I didn’t want to make a mistake, because I wanted to make the “right choice”. You made me look at my sister and my brother’s girlfriend, jealous for not being as slim as they are. You made it impossible for me to look at them and be happy about seeing their beauty. You made me stay on the beach while the others went to explore the island, because I wanted to get a tan, I wanted to increase my worth, I desperately wanted to look a little bit less ugly. You made me burst in tears in the morning when I was wearing a bikini and you made me cover myself, feeling ashamed not to be “there” yet. You made me go for a run at the beach, which used to be my favourite activity, but not while feeling sick and with the urge to fight my body with every mile. You made me forget about everything I already know, that my health is the only thing I should be worried about. That I am beautiful the way I am, with every roll, with every spot, with every stretchmark. You made me doubt myself to a point where all I had left was pain.
I didn’t expect you to be there, because your voice was silent for a long time and even if it was there, I was able to ignore it or to tell it to shut the fuck up.
I won’t give up. This vacation was a fight, but I am willing to take up the fight for my health over and over again. And I know I will win. Because I am strong and I refuse to let you take me over again. There are these lines from one of my favourite videos, so this is for you, ED: "This is to tell you, that I never want to hear your voice again. To tell you, that you are not welcome. In fact, you never were. To tell you, and everyone, that I am beginning to like myself, inside and out. That your company is not required at the meal I enjoy with my loved ones tomorrow. To tell you, I am winning. This moment is for you. To hear me when I say, that the only thing that was ever ugly about me, was you."